[OPENING SCENE: A graveyard. An audience comprising of a Puritan JUDGE, two GRAVEDIGGERS, several GUARDs, and a PRISONER walk to a pit. They are chanting 'Dominum ad Nauseam'.]
JUDGE: Be this the pit, master gravedigger?
GRAVEDIGGER #1: Aye, it is, your holiness?
GRAVEDIGGER #2: And it is the finest pit we have dig this morrow! For 'tis, in truth, the only one! [GRAVEDIGGER #! hits GRAVEDIGGER #2 over the head with a shovel. JUDGE folds his arms]
JUDGE: Then let the punishment commence! Where is the prisoner?
[A GUARD brings the PRISONER forth]
GUARD: Here, sir!
JUDGE: Then cast him down, master soldier!
[the GUARD throws the PRISONER to the ground]
JUDGE: No, no! In the pit!
GUARD: Very good, master!
[the GUARD jumps into the pit and sits down. (the pit is only knee high)]
JUDGE: [indicating GUARD] Who is this fellow?
GUARD #2: That's you, master! [giggles]
JUDGE: No, no! In the pit!
GUARD #2: Very good, master! [he joins GUARD #1 in the pit]
JUDGE: Who is this fellow in the pit?
GUARD #2: That's me, master! Isn't that right, Ned?
GUARD #1: Yeah.
JUDGE: Master prisoner. Does thou knowest the crime of which thou has been found guilty of?
PRISONER: Yes, your holiness!
JUDGE: [irritated] Well?! What be that crime?!
PRISONER: [pulling out microphone] Being Scottish and Jewish: two racial stereotypes for the price of one! Perhaps the best value in the graveyard this morning. Perhaps not. Incidentally, just let me say how pleased I am to be here in the gr aveyard, where so many other comedians have died before me. [bows] And why not?
[audience applauds. NEIL walks in and hits himself in the head with a frying pan and walks off. We see the graveyard is the back yard of the guys' house. In the house, we see RICK peering out at NEIL]
[CUT to interior of kitchen. RICK's face is pressed against the window]
v RICK: I've just seen the most amazing thing in the garden! Neil biffed himself in the face with a frying pan!
MIKE: Rick, you've been looking out of that window for three hours now.
RICK: Yes, well it's hardly surprising, is it? Vyvyan put super glue all over the pane!
VYVYAN: [Reading comic on the couch] Did I? That was a good joke!
RICK: I'll probably be disfigured for life, Vyvyan, and you'll have to pay! Ha! And then who will be laughing, ha! [snort] Not you, matey. That's for sure!
MIKE: Yeah, well just don't break the glass when you tear your face off, that's all.
RICK: I won't. I won't because... [quickly moves away from window]
it's not true! It was a joke I made up, and you fell for it like the
fascists you are! God, I'm bored! I might as well be listening to
Genesis! [Walks to drawing room]
Long blue boomerang...
VYVYAN: Oh, shut up!
RICK: I'm trying to free form!
VYVYAN: I'm trying to read!
RICK: OH, REALLY! I learned how to do that years ago! [snort] And what is it you're reading, Vyvyan? A bit of Pretarkian verse, is it? Little bit of French drama?
VYVYAN: It's called, 'SS Death Camp Criminal Battalion go to Monte Casino for the Massacre'.
RICK: [snatching comic] That's MY bloody comic!
VYVYAN: Give it back!
RICK: No, Vyvyan! It's mine! [sits down and reads] Anyway, there's no point in reading comics, they're stupid! They treat the kids is if they we're...well, as if they were, you know, kids! Nothing but war in them! War! War! Bloody war! Why can't they have stories about love and peace?
VYVYAN: Because it's sissy, you girly!
RICK: I'm not being girly, Vyvyan. Longing for a peaceful world is not being girly.
VYVYAN: It is! It's being soppy and very very girly!
RICK: I AM NOT BEING G...Look, this entire discussion is completely sexist anyway and I don't intend to continue it! [pause] But, for your information, it is not soppy of me to long for a world where a man will love his brother.
RICK: You're deliberately trying to provoke me, aren't you?
RICK: For one man to love another, Vyvyan, is not poofy. It's actually very beautiful. It's only when they start touching each others bottoms that it gets poofy.
VYVYAN: I'm going to tell Mike and Neil that you said you love men. Hey, Mike...
RICK: Look, all I said was this comic is a reactionary militaristic pamphlet! All they ever do is fight all the time!
VYVYAN: And what's so wrong with that? I suppose you think we should all go around touching each others bottoms! 'Dan Dare touches Algie's bottom!' 'Exciting new story: Batman gooses the Joker's crack!'
RICK: Alright! Alright! Alright! What's this? [makes weird hippie body movement]
VYVYAN: Being poofy!
RICK: No, that's peace! What's this? [places his bottom in VYVYAN's face] That's my bottom, isn't it? They're two completely different things!
VYVYAN: Well, can I have the comic, then?
RICK: No, it's mine! I paid for it, and I intend to read it!
[NEIL walks in and hits himself in the head with the frying pan, looks for a response from the others, and walks out.]
VYVYAN: [looking at window] Five past eleven and it's still raining. I wonder how hard it is?
RICK: I think it's probably not very hard seeing how it's only made of water!
[VYVYAN snatches the comic, rips it in half, and throws it in RICKS lap]
VYVYAN: I'm going to find out anyway.
[VYVYAN walks over to the window and opens the pane. He sticks his glass of tea out the window, holds it out for a few seconds, and pulls it back in. The glass is covered in phlegm]
VYVYAN: It's only spitting!
RICK: [reading comic] God, this stuff is so reactionary! Why can't they show us some real heroes?
[CUT to comic strip panel. A bunch of KIDS are standing around. TWO POLICEMEN walk up. Caption reads: AN ORDINARY DAY. THE PIGS ARE HASSLING THE KIDS]
POLICEMAN #1: [laughs] You gay, black bastards! We're going to victimise you!
KIDS: Oh, no! [they cover their crotches] Who can help us now?
[RICK, as PEOPLE'S POET, jumps into the frame. Caption reads: BUT SUDDENLY]
POLICEMAN #1: Oh, no! It's People's Poet!
KIDS: Gosh, People's Poet! Is it really you?
RICK: Yes, it is! And you pigs are in for a pretty big shock! Right on!
[RICK pulls out a few scraps of paper and reads. Caption: THE PEOPLE'S POEM]
RICK: What do you think you're doing, pig?
CAPTION & POLICEMEN: THWACK! [POLICEMEN act as if they were struck]
RICK: Do you really give a fig, pig?
CAPTION & POLICEMEN: BAM!
RICK: And what's your favourite sort of gig, pig?
CAPTION & POLICEMEN: BOKKO! [POLICEMEN fly off screen]
KIDS: Thanks, People's Poet! Now the pigs won't hassle us now on the street anymore. [shakes hands with RICK]
[CUT back to house. RICK is sitting, eyes closed, taking all this in and enjoying it. NEIL walks in from outside, and dumps the water in the frying pan on RICK's lap, waking him up. NEIL then hits himself in the head with the frying pan and prepare s to leave]
MIKE: Hey, Neil.
NEIL: Yes, Mike?
MIKE: Come over here.
NEIL: You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a prying pan, don't you, Mike?
MIKE: No, I don't.
MIKE: Where's my breakfast?
VYVYAN: Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!
NEIL: Oh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops!
MIKE: So why haven't you gone?
NEIL: Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money!
RICK: There's plenty of money in the kitty!
NEIL: Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?
VYVYAN: [wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then!
RICK: [pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM!
[CUT to cat on the floor, dressed in a tuxedo. The cat is doing a stand-up routine]
CAT: Do you know what my favourite vegetable are, eh? PEAS! 5p! 10p! 50p! My wife, she's a terrible cook, though, but she would be, she's dead! I was having a meal with her the other night, right, and...what?
[CAT runs out the pet door as VYVYAN chases him. sound of coins dropping as he runs]
MIKE: Did you get him?
VYVYAN: [picking up coins] No, but he's left a little present on the mat.
[slams the coins on the table]
NEIL: Okay, guys. What do we need?
RICK: [putting on jacket] Neil, you know exactly what I need. Cause all my stuff is marked with sticky labels!
VYVYAN: Wait a minute! Is yours the stuff with the sticky labels with 'Rick' written on it?
VYVYAN: [false compassion] Oh, sod it! I'm very sorry, Rick! I didn't know! I thought it was mine, and I've eaten it! Every last bit!
NEIL: Look, guys, I know exactly whose food is whose, right. Cause I do all the shopping around here. And I do all the cleaning. My function around here, I might as well be your mothers!
RICK: But Neil, we don't hate our mothers!
NEIL: Alright, so most metaphors don't bear close examination! Anyway, for example, [places a plate on the table] This glob of green mould on a saucer is Rick's.
RICK: Yes, and I've spat on that, Vyvyan. So I wouldn't advise you eat it!
NEIL: The urine sample and the Super Mousse are Vyv's.
VYVYAN: Yeah, my potion! My potion as well!
NEIL: What potion?
VYVYAN: It's a potion I've invented where when the patient drinks it he turns into an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure. For not being an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac. The potential market's enormous!
NEIL: [taking a Coca-Cola can out of the fridge] What, is this it?
VYVYAN: Yeah! Yeah, I put it in a Coke can so nobody'd drink it by mistake.
NEIL: [placing can atop the refrigerator] You know, I just bet a bit later on somebody does drink that and turns into an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac!
RICK: Yes, I bet that as well. That's just the sort of crazy, imaginative thing that happens around here, isn't it? [waits for response] I said, 'Isn't it?' [still no response, RICK sulks]
NEIL: [pulling out pad of paper and pencil] Well?
RICK: Well what, hippie?
NEIL: Well, what do we need?
RICK: Look, we need everything except urine samples, green globules, and...and Super Mousse!
NEIL: [writing] Everything! Right: lentils...wallpaper...
RICK: LOOK, JUST GET TO THE SHOPS!
[CUT to outside house. NEIL exits and walks down the street. Pan up to opposite building where someone is staring out the window with a pair of binoculars. CUT to inside of room. MAN #1 is staring out the window. MAN #2 stands next to him. They ar e dressed identically: black derby, eyeglasses, black suit, black pants, black shoes, black scarf around their heads]
MAN #2: Anything yet, Mr. B?
MAN #1: Nope. No, nothing!
MAN #2: Well, there must be something!
MAN #1: Nope! Not a sausage! Look, why won't you let me take the lens cap off?
MAN #2: Because they're not real binocliers! There's no point in taking them off!
MAN #1: Well, why can't we have a real pair of binocoliers for a change?
MAN #2: Because then the aliens would know that we're watching them, wouldn't they?
MAN #1: But, we're not watching them!
MAN #2: Yeah, but they're not to know that, are they?
MAN #1: This may sound like a stupid question: Lip nip nip nip bip?
MAN #2: Yes, it does.
MAN #1: I thought so. Look, what are we really doing here? Really?
MAN #2: Look, don't ask me! Ask the Manpower Services Commission!
MAN #1: Well, can't you?
[shot of outside, still raining. switch back to room as MAN #2 looks out the window]
MAN #2: Is that a milkman?
MAN #1: [looking with binoculars] Nope!
MAN #2: Good! Pass me the milk bottle!
[MAN #1 hands him the binoculars. MAN #2 throws them out the window. Sound of something falling into a glass. Cut back to house where VYVYAN is holding a glass out the window again. He draws it back in to reveal it is filled with urine with a pair of binoculars in it]
VYVYAN: It's pissing down now!
RICK: [slamming refrigerator door] OKAY, THAT'S JUST ABOUT THE BLOODY LIMIT! It's...I mean I only put it in there on Wednesday, you know! It's not as if they grow on trees or anything like that!
MIKE: [at table] Rick, what have you lost?
RICK: I had half an apple in there. Alright, own up, who's taken it?
VYVYAN: [on couch opening a can of lager] What were you doing, saving it for teacher? Trying to keep the doctor away?
RICK: If he's anything like you, YES!
[weird wide eye smile, in typical RICK fashion. He turns to MIKE, who has two avocado slices over his eyes and is using a small electric fan]
Did you take it, Mike?
MIKE: Well, if you're going to sin, you might as well be original.
RICK: What's that supposed to mean?
MIKE: I don't know.
RICK: Well, I'm going to look in your bin for the pits! [runs upstairs]
MIKE: He shouldn't do that.
VYVYAN: Why not?
MIKE: There's a lion tamer in my bedroom.
[CUT to shot of RICK opening door. He sees a room full of lions and screams. CUT to inside room. a lion tamer is busy dealing with three lions, saying things like: 'on plats', 'Pasha here', 'Pasha plats' , 'Pasha!', etc.CUT back to drawing room. NE IL enters carrying two kittens. He places them down as he pulls more kittens from his pockets]
NEIL: I've never seen rain like this.
VYVYAN: Well, where's breakfast, then?
NEIL: Oh, no. I knew I went out for something.
MIKE: Neil, if your head was on strike you couldn't even picket your nose!
VYVYAN: I'm starving, you bastard!
RICK: [enters room] Yes, so you keep saying, Hitler! Well, why don't you put your money where your mouth is and go to the shops yourself?
NEIL: Yes, Vyvyan.
VYVYAN: Because I don't want my forehead to rust!
RICK: A little rain never hurt anybody! Anyway, you could take your stupid car!
VYVYAN: [looking, points to window] I could if it was tied down properly! [shot of drawing room. Everyone looks to see VYVYAN's car float by]
RICK: Blimey! Look at the water out there! Now we're never going to get to the shops!
[VYVYAN stands on a chair and looks at NEIL]
VYVYAN: Hey, Neil! Can I have a look at your tonsils? [wields his dagger]
NEIL: Why, do I sound ill?
VYVYAN: No, no! I just want to pop myself a breakfast. [NEIL opens his mouth]
RICK: Oh, for Heaven's sake! Why can't we all start to act like civilised people? I mean, we are students after all. We're old enough to vote. We're old enough to do things to girls. We can go to prison. We can drive. Last week I even got into an 'X' film, for Christ's sake. So, how about finding some nice adult pursuit to keep us going until the rain stops? Michael?
[shot of MIKE looking in the distance. FADE to RICK, who is covering his eyes and counting. They are playing 'Hide and Seek'. CUT to NEIL opening the door to Mike's bedroom. He sees the lions and poohs in his pants. He carefully runs down the stair s to RICK's room, as VYVYAN exits, blowing out a match. CUT back to RICK, still counting]
RICK: Sixty-seven...Eighty...Two thousand, five hundred! Coming, ready or not!
[opens cabinet door over the stove. MIKE is huddled up in there]
Found you, Mike!
MIKE: No, you haven't!
MIKE: Listen, I'm the best at playing games in this house, so you better go find the others first.
RICK: I'm sorry, Mike.
MIKE: That's alright, that's alright. Just come back in five minutes when they've lost the game.
RICK: Right. [closes cabinet door. He starts to walks away, but returns, knocks on the cabinet door, and opens it] Great hiding place, Mike!
[closes door and walks to the stairs. VYVYAN is sitting there, lighting a cigarette]
RICK: Well, for Heaven's sake, Vyvyan, I've found you! Why won't anybody play this game properly?
VYVYAN: Look, I haven't started hiding yet, have I?
RICK: Well, would you mind doing it now, please? I'll give you five.
[closes his eyes, VYVYAN hides in the wardrobe] FIVE! [opens his eyes and looks around. He can't find him] BASTARD! [runs up the stairs]
[shot of VYVYAN in the wardrobe. VYVYAN walks into Narnia, from C. S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. A WITCH sits on a horse-driven sled nearby, along with her dwarf servant, SHIRLEY. SHIRLEY has a long beard and is smoking a pipe]
WITCH: Stop here, Shirley.
SHIRLEY: Look, your majesty. A young fawn!
WITCH: That's not a fawn, that's a man-child, son of Adam. His presence signals danger.
SHIRLEY: It's the prophecy!
WITCH: Silence, we must question him. [to VYVYAN] Hello, little boy! What's your name?
VYVYAN: [walking over] Vyvyan!
WITCH: [holding plate of Turkish Delight] What a lovely name. Come, sit next to me, child. [VYVYAN sits in sled.] Have some Turkish Delight. [VYVYAN leans over and opens his mouth. WITCH recoils in disgust]
VYVYAN: It's not me!
[SHIRLEY pulls his beard off and grabs VYVYAN's collar]
SHIRLEY: That's revolting! That's revolting! People like you should be put in little boxes, tied up with string, and left in small dark rooms with out any electricity!
VYVYAN: Who says?
SHIRLEY: For a month!
VYVYAN: WHO SAYS?
SHIRLEY: [weakly] She does.
WITCH: I did not! That's a lie, Shirley!
VYVYAN: 'Shirley'? Is that your name, then? 'Shirley'?
SHIRLEY: It's better than 'Vyvyan' by a longshot!
VYVYAN: Oh, yeah? 'Shirley'!
WITCH: Oh, would you two shut up! Would you like some Turkish Delight, my child?
VYVYAN: Not particularly! Got any kebabs?
WITCH: Listen, sweetheart. You eat the Turkish Delight, or you'll find yourself in the rockery holding up fishing grout!
SHIRLEY: And she means it!
VYVYAN: Look, I'm in a bit of hurry actually. You see I'm trying to hide from someone. You haven't seen a would-be Sociology student being chased by a lion, have you?
WITCH: [horrified] A lion?
VYVYAN: Well, if you do, don't tell him I'm hiding in this tree over here, okay? [walks to tree]
WITCH: No, wait! Man-child, I command you to wait! Stop him, Shirley!
SHIRLEY: You majesty! He said a lion! It's the prophecy!
[VYVYAN enters the tree with a scream. CUT to VYVYAN sliding down a dark tunnel. CUT to cellar. RICK is searching the room. VYVYAN falls out of the fireplace, unseen by RICK]
RICK: Oh, what is the bloody point? Alright, Vyvyan. I give up!
VYVYAN: [waves his arms] Coo-ey!! Behind you!
RICK: [shuts cellar door] You bloody cheat! I thought we said no hiding in the cellar!
VYVYAN: Then what are you looking in the cellar for?
RICK: Uh...I'm not looking for you, actually. I just came down here to tell you I didn't want to play your bloody childish game anymore!
VYVYAN: What do you mean? It was your idea to play 'Hide and Seek'!
RICK: It was a joke! I was playing another joke on you! And, Ha Ha Ha, because you fell for it!
[puts hands on hips and gives smug look]
VYVYAN: [thinking for quick comeback] Well, I didn't fall for it because...because while you were counting to one hundred, I went up to your bedroom and set fire to your Sociology file! [smiles]
[RICK's smug look as turned to a look of pure anger. He takes out his biro, digs it into VYVYAN's head, and backs away laughing. VYVYAN, on the floor, shakes the cobwebs out and throws a crowbar at RICK. The crowbar gets RICK's jacket by the right collar and attaches him to the cellar door. VYVYAN picks up a hatchet and prepares to do RICK in. RICK screams as NEIL opens the door.]
NEIL: Lads! Lads, come quickly! Rick's bedroom is on fire!
VYVYAN: Great! [grabs a gasoline can] Come on!
[he shuts the door. RICK falls to the ground with a thud]
RICK: They've hurt my bottom!
[CUT to drawing room. A siren is heard in the background as JERZEI BALOWSKI enters through the door]
JERZEI: Hello? Hello, boys? It's Jerzei Balowski, your landlord, come for the party with the Tremeloe's records, boys! Hello boys, anybody home? Hello? Oh, nobody home, oh. [spies soda can on top of the refrigerator] Oh! Coca-Cola! Symbol of free West! Oh! [Grabs can] Oh, I like Coca-Cola. Mmm! [Takes a sip, and screams in pain] Oh, tastes good! Hello, boys? Hello b... [screams again and drinks some more] Hello, boys? Hello? [has minor convulsions] Hello, boys? Where are you? Boys? [howls at skeleton as he enters the wardrobe] Boys? Hello? Where are you? Hello, boys! Where are you?
[CUT to stairs. NEIL and VYVYAN approach the door to RICK's bedroom. As NEIL speaks, VYVYAN is placing the spout on the gasoline can]
NEIL: And I was just...I was just hiding there in the wardrobe, right. And it was getting really hot. And then...and then I thought, 'Oh, no. I forgot to put out that Sociology essay that was burning on Rick's desk!'
VYVYAN: Yeah, I started that! Try to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.
NEIL: What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a really selfish thing to do, Vyvyan! I was hiding in there, and you could have given me away!
[RICK runs in, holding his bottom]
RICK: Help! Help! Call the firemen! [enters room, his bed is ablaze]
AIEEGH! Help! Call the fireman!
[RICK opens the windowsill, and a huge gush of water comes in, dousing the flames and soaking RICK]
VYVYAN: [enters with NEIL] Blimey! That was quick! [sits on the bed. RICK is sitting on the floor with a fish flapping about in his jacket]
RICK: Well, super! Perfect! Lovely! Wonderful! Good old Vyvyan! Big tip, 'A' plus, ten out of ten, go and see Mater and get up another bit of tuck! Bloody great, isn't it Vyvyan? Just think, I won't have to put my...my...my bed in the toaster now.
[MIKE enters with a suitcase and a cigarette in his mouth]
MIKE: Anybody got a light? [walks over to the bed and lights his cigarette on a small flame]
RICK: Oh, Blooming flip! Sorry, Mike! Silly of me! I did have one, but I went and put it out! I'm such a twit! Slap! Slap! Slap!
MIKE: Hey, Rick. You've got a fish sticking out of your shirt!
NEIL: I hate sharks!
VYVYAN: Don't be stupid, Neil. That's not a shark!
NEIL: [pointing to window] No, but that is. [they look at the window to see a shark swimming]
VYVYAN: That's just the most completely brilliant thing I've ever seen...A flying shark!
MIKE: Uh, Vyvyan. Sharks don't fly.
VYVYAN: Oh, wow! That's what those sirens must have been, of course. Shark warnings!
MIKE: Look, I don't want to be a wet blanket or anything, but if this house is a bottle, I'm the one with a message.
NEIL: What do you mean, Mike?
MIKE: [exiting] Simple, London has flooded.
[pause. RICK is in shock. VYVYAN is fascinated. NEIL is pondering]
NEIL: Oh well. well, we'll all probably get drowned or eaten by octopuses, then.
RICK: WHAT? Phone the police!
NEIL: But they're fascists!
RICK: Well, never mind about that now! Telephone, Vyvyan!
[Vyvyan runs down the stairs past MIKE who is going upstairs. VYVYAN grabs the phone and pulls it off the wall, cord and all. He then runs back upstairs, passing MIKE who is going downstairs, and back into RICK's bedroom. He places the receiver to his ear, and then throws it down]
VYVYAN: [exhausted] Oh, it's broken.
[CUT to JERZEI in the wardrobe passing the same scenery as VYVYAN did]
JERZEI: Hello boys, hello? [drinks and spits it up violently] Hello, boys? Anybody home?
[CUT to the staircase. The boys all run down the stairs]
RICK: I know, switch on the radio. There's bound to be a public information bulletin! [VYVYAN switches on the radio]
[CUT to a station. A DJ and a PUNK are having an interview. The PUNK has no arms.]
DJ: And exactly how long have you been in the music biz?
PUNK: Since lunchtime. I was working in a well known launderette in the King's Road this morning. Malcolm McLaren came in and liked the look of me.
PUNK: [mumbles to herself]
DJ: And was it his idea that you should amputate your arms?
PUNK: Originally, yeah! I could see the validity of the idea from the beginning!
DJ: Right! In what way?
PUNK: Well, my music is all about urban alienation, apparently.
[Water comes in from the vent]
DJ: What? Hey, what's going on here?
PUNK: I can't swim!
DJ: [panicking, he rushes out the studio, knocking the PUNK to the floor] I can't even see. Look, you do it! Why wasn't there anything about this on the radio?
[CUT back to the drawing room. The radio is leaking water. RICK frantically turns it off. Pan back to see MIKE folding his blow-up doll in his suitcase. VYVYAN is building a cardboard submarine using a small hammer, and NEIL is decorating it with a small vial of paint and a brush]
RICK: That's just typical of you, Vyvyan! The house is under fifty feet of water and what do you do, build a submarine! [thinks] There's, um, no room for me in there, is there?
VYVYAN: Of course there isn't any room in it for you! Why should there be any room in it for you? I want to see you drown! And If I want to see you drown, why should I build a submarine with room enough for you in it? Stupid! I'm not even taking S PG along!
SPG: Is that right? We'll see about, pally!
[SPG flies into the air and bites VYVYAN on the neck]
VYVYAN: Bastard! [he falls onto his submarine, wrecking it]
NEIL: Oh, wow. Vyvyan, man, you broke your own submarine!
[VYVYAN grabs SPG and starts pummelling him with the hammer]
VYVYAN: You bastard! I've shown you a great deal of consideration over the years but THIS IS THE END OF THE LINE! YOU'RE GOING OUT TO PLAY WITH THE SHARKS!
[VYVYAN takes SPG and walks outside. CUT to water scene. A SHARK is swimming, as SPG swims by]
SHARK: Hello, are you lunch?
SPG: Is that you, Jaws? I think you're great! I've seen all your films! Can I have your autograph?
SHARK: [sighs] It's a bore I know, but, you know, I'd miss it if they didn't ask.
[CUT to JERZEI next to the tree]
JERZEI: Hello? Anybody, hello? Hello? Tree. Oh, tree. Hello, anybody in the tree?
[he enters and falls down the tunnel into the cellar. He slowly rises behind a bunch of cardboard boxes, breathing heavily. When he appears, he twists the can and throws it down screaming. He then grabs an axe and heads out of the room]
[CUT to kitchen. NEIL is blowing up water wings. VYVYAN is sitting on a chair. RICK is sitting on the counter smoking a cigarette]
NEIL: Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other. Like those sailors did in that movie, um, 'We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other.'
RICK: Yes, I suppose it would, Neil. Except that we don't happen to have any dead sailors lying around the place. Or perhaps we do, perhaps I just haven't seen them. Perhaps I should buy myself a white stick!
NEIL: I was just saying...
RICK: YES, WELL DON'T!
MIKE: Alright! Alright, alright, alright! As usual, Mike, the cool person, comes up with a solution in times of trouble, and even trouble with a capital 'T'. This is, as they say, the moment of not telling too many lies. [pause] Are you with me?
VYVYAN: No, not at all!
MIKE: The definition of hunger: Too many guys, not enough food. All we've got to do is change the ratio! And Neil's come up with the answer.
MIKE: Yeah, there's only one problem. Who's going in the pot?
[long pause. RICK has a grin on his face]
RICK: ME! [to NEIL] No, him. It was a joke!
[CUT to NEIL's bedroom]
NEIL: Just my luck. I was supposed to get the shortest straw. Mind you it was pretty uncool of the guys not to show me theirs, but there you go. [the door bursts open and MIKE, RICK, and VYVYAN bust in.] Oh, hi guys! Yeah, Come and sit down, yeah! Uh, do you want to play some records? [RICK and MIKE force NEIL onto the bed] Uh...Oh, look guys...Guys, I just remembered I got something, uh, really important to do, you know. So, goodbye.
MIKE: No time for that, Neil. We're hungry!
[VYVYAN turns on a hedge trimmer. NEIL screams in fright]
RICK: Ha! He's scared! He's scared! 'Scaredy cat, scaredy cat! Sitting on the doormat! All the little doggie-wogs... [notices that VYVYAN and MIKE are staring at him] ...will have a little bit of it.'
[VYVYAN turns on the hedge trimmer again.]
VYVYAN: Right! Here we go!
MIKE: [frantic] Hold it! Hold it! HOLD IT! [VYVYAN turn off the trimmer] Hold it like that! [shows] Then you get a nice clean cut and there's no mess! [VYVYAN turns on the motor. NEIL sits upright]
NEIL: Oh, Vyvyan?
NEIL: Vyvyan, could I have an anaesthetic?
VYVYAN: Course you can! [he hits NEIL over the head with a hammer. NEIL passes out, but quickly revives]
NEIL: Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Uh, uh, look...Uh, Mike, is there time for a last cigarette?
MIKE: I don't see why not, yeah! [he pulls a cigarette out from behind his ear and puts it in his mouth. RICK lights it. MIKE takes one drag and douses it out] Alright.
[VYVYAN prepares to slice NEIL in half, when a small section of the door is chopped off by an axe as JERZEI stick as much of his face in the crack as possible]
JERZEI: Heerrree's Jerzei!
RICK: It's Mr. Balowski!
VYVYAN: How did he get in here?
NEIL: Well, you could eat him instead, actually.
JERZEI: Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! Let me in! Jerzei wants to play 'Hospital'!
RICK: Oh, my God! He's turned into a homicidal axe-wielding maniac!
[MIKE covers himself with a sheet]
NEIL: Oh, well! Out of a frying pan, into another frying pan...
RICK: Shut up, Neil! Shut up! [NEIL continues to babble. JERZEI starts screaming] Shut up! Shut up! BLOODY SHUSH! SHUSH! [runs to the door where JERZEI is trying to cut his way in] There's nobody in here, Mr. Balowski! We're all holo grams! What are we going to do, Mike? [looks for MIKE, who is invisible, thanks to the sheet]
[CUT to outside the bedroom. JERZEI is chopping at the door. A chair is here with a backdrop reading, 'HALF TIME REPORT' JERZEI stops cutting and sits down. He speaks in a different voice]
JERZEI: Well, we're halfway through the show, and it's time for a half time report. I think the show has been going particularly well. I particularly like how the young lad, Rick, has been going off the joke into the dead laugh area... [quick sh ot of the boys watching this on a television set. MIKE is sill covered by the sheet]
JERZEI: Going into the international sphere, they're going to have to face some stiff competition especially from the Swedes with their comedy series, "Ooh, Where's My Volvo?" and also, of course, from the French with their comedy series, "Mr. Poo Poo Goes to the Lavatory".
VOICE: ...we're going on!
JERZEI: Oh, sorry, Paul. Anyway, the half times over now and it's back to the action.
[Screams and chops off another section of the door. He is back using his normal voice]
JERZEI: Let me in, boys! Jerzei wants to finger your entrails!
RICK: I know, let's put Neil's speaker in front of the door!
SPEAKER: I don't want to go in front of the door!
[NEIL shields his speaker from the others]
NEIL: Oh, not that speaker! Jimi Hendrix once pissed on that!
RICK: Then let's put Neil in front of the door!
[they force NEIL to the door. JERZEI grabs him by the throat. VYVYAN takes the hedge trimmer and cuts a section of the wall out]
RICK: Yes! Yes! Bite his fingers, Neil!
NEIL: You know I can't do that! I'm a vegetarian!
RICK: Well, keep him occupied while we escape.
[RICK, MIKE, and VYVYAN rush out the hole. NEIL grabs JERZEI's hand and blows his nose on it]
JERZEI: UGH! You nasty boy...
[NEIL runs out through the hole. JERZEI chases them up the stairs. CUT to the outside of MIKE's bedroom. JERZEI runs in as VYVYAN slams the door. Sounds of lions eating JERZEI]
[CUT to staircase. The boys are descending]
VYVYAN: It's a good job Bobby was here with his man-eating lions.
RICK: Yes, I'd like to shake his hand.
MIKE: Here. [gives RICK a severed hand]
RICK: Oh, thanks! [he shakes it and throws it away]
NEIL: [looking out of window] Hey, wow! Guys, come and look! The house has grown!]
[They look out the window]
RICK: He's wrong, you know! The waters are subsiding!
VYVYAN: What's that?
[CUT to shot of SPG swimming on top of the water. He has a coke can in his mouth. End credits. Fade]